Me and You Against the World

The mind is the most powerful tool and weapon we possess. Once you truly convince yourself of something, it is almost impossible to change your thoughts. That is why it is so important to expose yourself to things that are good and positive. I convinced myself that my life’s dream was to become Mr. Potential’s wife. I lost all personal dreams and goals. I had no idea who I was and what I wanted to be anymore. I lost my father. I lost my love for acting. I lost my love for writing. I just wanted to be a wife and have a family. After my father died in 2008, everything changed. I was never close to my mother and since college, my advocate in my life was my father. He made sure the finances were in place, my school business was in order, and I called him to talk about my struggles. He wasn’t there for me the way he should have been in my childhood but once I made it to college he was my lifeline. Then God took him. And I felt alone. So after my dad died all I had was Mr. Potential. I latched onto him so tightly I’m sure it suffocated him. I convinced myself that Mr. Potential was my husband and that was all I focused on for three years. I was in Massachusetts dealing with so many insecurities that I don't have enough room to write about them. I was the only Black woman in the Masters of Fine Arts program and I struggled with my skin difference, my size, my southernism, and my faith. I was lonely, isolated, and feared that I was inadequate. I felt like a charity case student. I didn’t believe I was as talented as my cohorts.

I struggle daily with my confidence. I was drowning and the only thing I could grab to stay alive was my new relationship. I grabbed Mr. Potential with passion, vigor, obsession, dedication, and an unwavering attachment. We talked every day, all day. Before there were facetime and messenger, we relied on phone conversations and texts. His calls made my days livable. I was completely codependent on him. In three years, I barely made outside friends, explored Boston, or truly immerse myself in the graduate program. I was always one foot in Massachusetts and one foot in Mississippi. My friends warned me. They said I talked about him all the time. But I was in love. I’d waited years to feel true love. I yearned and ached through loneliness in college. I was the wallflower that was always picked last. And this time I was ‘that girl’. This time I’d won. I had a man. I had an attractive popular man. I had a man who wanted me and chose me. I plaster our pictures at any given chance on Facebook. I mostly did it because I was in disbelief that was my life. I finally had what I wanted. I had a boyfriend. I lost my father and I thought God gave me a boyfriend as a blessing.

I didn’t mourn my father. It was too difficult. So I immersed myself with Mr. Potential. He was carrying his own baggage and I added my stuff to his pile. I needed to marry that man. I need to make my story a happily ever after. I need to justify my decision to forfeit my promising career by leaving Boston and moving to Mississippi. I needed people not to judge that decision. I needed not to judge that decision. I wanted to be MRS. POTENTIAL more than I wanted to be Japonica Brown. Japonica Brown was damaged and insecure. Japonica Brown was quitting before she started her career. Japonica Brown was a coward. By marrying Mr. Potential all those things would look differently. People would have thought I paused my career for my husband and my children.

When the truth was I was afraid of losing my boyfriend, dealing with the death of my father, confronting my depression, and being fearless in the pursuit of my dreams. I made it my mission in life to make my dream come true. Not the dream of being a world-renowned writer, playwright, director, motivational speaker, and actress but the dream of being a wife. So I spent the next five years trying to be his wife at the expense of my identity.

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Japonica Brown